chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
