WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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