My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
3pm strippers are depressing
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So. Much. Porn.
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