she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
