I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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