After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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