and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Randomize
