toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
