whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
