last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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