Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
