I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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