you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize