I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
