Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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