My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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