You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
