I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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