I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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