this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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