Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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