My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You ruined the universe
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
