So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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