They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Randomize
