I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
