Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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