Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
