Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
