She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
