My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
