you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
