If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
