god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
