Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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