I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
