Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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