i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize