youre lurking in front of me
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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