That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
