I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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