I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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