I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
