I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
