Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
