Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
