What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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