I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
