There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
