We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
