my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i think i just lost a toe
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
