One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i wish my penis had a tongue
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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