her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
