made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
