How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
