just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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