false alarm. still invincible.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
