she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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