I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
