Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
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