i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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