M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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