Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize