She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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