dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
