Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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